Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Winnie the Pooh

Does anyone know how I can go about finding the email address for that poor Winnie the Pooh, the one who lives down at the mouse's house in Florida? I'm afraid Betsy might be planning a visit, and that poor bear needs warning so he can hide his honey. Perhaps he can get those pirates that hang out there to help him out with burying it, but I need to warn the poor bear as soon as possible. I shudder to even think of what Betsy did to him the last time she was down there, and he needs all the warning he can get if he's going to escape this time.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Speaking of the Garden

Oh, speaking of the horrible garden plans my bunny sisters have, I think they're trying to recruit two of my other siblings, Tracy Triceratops and Danica Dinosaur. Both of them are some nutty thing called herbivores, and the bunnies think they would make great gardening partners. I don't know what in the world I'm going to do. I just hope they don't get eucalyptus seed or the koalas will want in on it too, and then goodness knows how I'll ever find enough space for my crops. Haven't my siblings ever heard of going to the store to buy stuff instead of trying to grow it?

On the Seed Again

How suspicious do you suppose I should be? I just caught my rabbit sisters talking about a store that is foolishly selling carrot seed for a dime a pack! They were passing around a hat they had snitched from Millie Bear, and collecting cash to spend on these seeds, as if they don't already have enough carrot seed already. I need space to plant my catnip crop, after all. How can I keep the bunnies from turning the garden into a rabbit only salad bar? Aren't the 1000 squash seed bad enough?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Bear Paw

Some foolish, foolish human has designed a quilt pattern called "Bear Paw." Of course, my polar bear sisters found this in one of the human's quilt books, and they're sure it's a pattern meant just for them. Really, don't these humans think before publishing these things? It suddenly got nippy here too, so my sisters are desperate to get their paws on quilts. I think I might need to hide for a bit. I overheard one of them talking a bit ago about trying me out with a needle and thread, and that doesn't sound good at all.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Polar Bears

The polar bears have taken to reading my human's quilting magazines, and last night, I caught one them digging for the good scissors again while the others lagged in large piles of fabric. I think they might be really serious about getting their paws on polar bear quilts. I don't even want to think of the sheep. I found an email that the polar bears had sent to some sheep asking about their wool, and how warm and fluffy it might be. Can I be held responsible if they do head out wool gathering soon?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Bloodhounds Better Run

My human is becoming much too involved with that rather frightening family tree of hers. And as if all of her ancestors weren't bad enough, she's been offering to help others hunt down their relatives as well, just for the FUN of it! I'm not sure how I can go about warning my bloodhound buddies of the trouble they might be in due to this, though. I swear I heard the human muttering a bit ago about getting a bloodhound to help track down a few of the more elusive people in her little genealogy search list. Bloodhounds, run for your lives!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Ethical Issue

I have a serious ethical problem. Last Thanksgiving, I rented out the humans' poolhouse to a group of turkeys fleeing from what is for turkeys a day of terror. They really liked the property and the good rate they got, so they're already booked in for this Thanksgiving with a deposit paid. Now, I just found out, my human is working on a TURKEY dinner that the church is holding! How in the world am I going to hide her horrible activities from my turkey tenants? Honestly, I don't know what in the world she was thinking, offering to help with a meal of turkey when she knows I do business with turkeys! What if she serves up one of my tenants' relatives?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


It's raining today, and it will be for several days. I'm very sure that after a few days of having to either sit around in dripping nests, perch on barely leafed trees, or hide under bushes, I'm going to have birds beating down my door wanting to move into a snug birdhouse. I wonder how I should best prepare for this increase in tenants? My grandhuman has some bird houses that are just going to waste as decoration that I'm sure would make lovely rentals.

Bird in the Bush

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can go about installing a birdhouse in the middle of a rosebush? The nicest family of birds have built a nest there, but I'm sure they would prefer a rental birdhouse so much more. How can I get it in there, though? The bush is very thick, which makes it perfect protection from Betsy Bear, should she get the desire to have eggs for breakfast, but it also makes upgrading the property difficult. Any suggestions?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Sheep Calling

I think I have convinced the polar bears to wait and let the sheep farmers gather the wool rather than trying to cut it themselves, and undoubtedly ruining the good scissors. Unfortunately, they have now decided that they need to check out this wool to make sure it will go with the fabrics they have selected for polar bear quilts. Honestly, the wool will be stuffed between two pieces of fabric so I don't know how it will matter what the shade of it is, but goodness knows those polar bears won't listen. Do you think the sheep will be too alarmed if polar bears drop in and start comparing their wool against little swatches of fabric? Poor sheep. As if the calls the polar bears have placed, asking about wool warmth issues aren't alarming enough.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I think the bunnies have been into the seed. The human finally got to the store today to pick up more catnip seed for my crop, and there were only three packs left. Obviously some rabbit has been by there, and got the catnip mixed in with their carrot selections. I'm just not sure if 4 packs of seed is enough for the size of crop I'm hoping to get this year. I wonder if I can make my rabbit sisters check with their bunny garden association to find which rabbit accidentally purchased that catnip? I'm sure I need it way more than them.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

If Anybody Asks

If anybody asks, I was here all day, and didn't leave the house. The furthest I've got from this computer was peering out the back door and windows, trying to decide where my catnip crop should go, and thus can not in any way, shape or form be held responsible for Betsy's crimes! That delinquent bear went to the country today, to our humans' lake cottage. There's a family of bears who live up there, on a island out in the lake. Poor, poor bears. Our foolish neighbors up there left their boat unguarded, and while the humans were busy removing leaves someone had swiped from another neighbor's mulch pile and dumped on the cottage, Betsy swiped the free boat and took off. I don't know what those poor lake bears will do when their alarm goes off and they awake to find their pantry bare, I really don't. I just want it known right now that I have an alibi and am not to blame for any of this!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Catnip Farming

How much space should I be demanding from the bunnies for my hopeful catnip crop? They're trying to insist that they need extensive space for their carrots, and goodness knows how much space they're going to take up with those 1000 squash seeds. So, where can I poke the catnip? I do have some already, of course, but it's just one small clump, not enough to really start a proper market for my product. So, how many carrots do you think I should be planning to evict in order to open my farm for crops?

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Perhaps the bunnies are right about their plans for a garden, and perhaps I should just go ahead, be the bigger feline, admit my error, and offer to assist with the garden. Some catnip seeds were just discovered on sale for only a quarter a pack! The human only got one pack tonight, but I'm planning to send her back tomorrow with part of the woodpecker's rent money for this month to stock up. Now to work out how to package my crop for sale once it's harvested. Their are a lot of other cats around here, who I'm sure would be excellent customers.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Sheep of Doom

Well, the sheep are definitely doomed. The human was off researching that rather frightening family tree this afternoon, and would you believe she stumbled on a quilt pattern while hunting an OBITUARY? Needless to say, the polar bears think it would look just perfect with them snuggled under it, and they're currently going through fabric looking for just the right patterns to compliment their fur, when they aren't figuring out which sheep to visit. I'm afraid that there was scissors sharpening done at that quilt show too, so those poor sheep are doomed for sure. Luckily the cubs are kind of small, and will probably just need a lamb's worth of wool, but I shudder to think of the requirement for my two sisters. I just hope those sheep have no issues with suddenly being made nudists.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sheep Beware!

I'm afraid the polar bears took extensive notes while they were at that quilt show, and one of the things they learned is of the lovely warmth properties of wool as the batting in quilts. Needless to say, this totally intrigued them, and they're trying to figure out how to get their paws on some wool now. Our sheep sisters have convinced them that their fleece is much too thin to work properly as batting, so I've spotted the polar bears online looking up the location of the nearest flocks of sheep, and one of them was testing out various pairs of scissors in anticipation of wool gathering! Do I need to send out warnings to these poor sheep that they're soon going to be nudists if they aren't careful?

Monday, March 16, 2009


I think those fat quarters the bunnies bought at the quilt show were definitely a bad idea. Ever since they've got back, they've been busily hopping from looking at the broccoli and squash prints, to their seed catalogs and then to checking out the back yard. I don't like the way they keep looking at me, either, and I KNOW I heard a couple of them whispering last night about purchasing a shovel and hoe in just my size! I have a bad, bad feeling that those bunnies are planning to draft me into assisting in putting in their garden this year, which given the number of seeds they're wanting to purchase, seems like a horribly frightening idea. I wonder if I can block their Amazon account for purchases?

Sunday, March 15, 2009


After that horrible clawacure I got in jail, I've been hard at work trying to restore my poor claws to their former shape. I've used the carpet extensively, but although I must admit it gives them a lovely buff and shine, it's doing NOTHING for their sharpness or pointyness. I'm thinking of asking my tenant, W. Woodpecker, if I can borrow his beak file to try to fix these claws. He always seems to have the sharpest, pointiest beak, and he claims he owes it all to daily filing. Has anyone else tried a file?

Saturday, March 14, 2009


How worried do you think I should be about the fact that Betsy Bear returned from her trip to the quilt show with two dozen wedding cake toppers as trophies? She's thinking of making a case to display them in, along with the trophies of her other various crimes, like the honey pot she stoled from Pooh Bear the first time she went to Disney World. Goodness knows where she's going to find a pattern for a trophies of crime case, though.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Freedom from Jail

I got out of jail this afternoon, and I'm wondering who I should file a complaint with. My claws are totally ruint! I work hard to get my claws just perfect, all long, sharp and pointy, just like I like them. Would you believe those jailers had the nerve to clip them short, blunt and square? Granted, besides that, jail wasn't too terrible, although the internet access wasn't as fast as I would have liked and they actually thought their phone lines should be used for their business and not mine, but still, my poor claws!

Quilt Show Day 4

Well, the humans only stayed an hour or so at the quilt show today before leaving for home, so possible havoc was limited. I found several suspicious threads on Nanna Polar Bear's fur, though, so I have a bad feeling about what the polar bears were up to last night. As for the hotel pastries, the chocolate muffins vanished this morning, along with the donuts that they had foolishly tried to replace. Oh, Betsy Bear amused herself too, while the humans were looking for some stuff on that frightening family tree, well, that awful bear snuck out and visited all of those poor mountain bears. Poor, poor things. They were all snug in their little dens, wrapped in their blankets with their little nightcaps on. She cleared out all of their honey, and she RESET their clocks! They were supposed to get up at a quarter past April, and Betsy changed the setting to half past May! Suspiciously, there's another mountain trip scheduled for half past May. I think Betsy's planning another series of robberies for then. Bears are always a bit groggy when they wake up, after all, and probably won't be able to defend their dens properly. I won't even mention the poor brides she robbed. I could hear their wailing over missing cake all the way from my jail cell.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Weather Warning

I just popped out of my cell to check the weather forecast, and horror of horrors, it is calling for snow where the polar bears are! Those poor quilters are DOOMED!! They have probably a hundred plus quilts hanging up for display in one room alone, plus the 40 plus for the various turnings. Who wants to place a bet that they will come in tomorrow to find that the polar bears have snagged every quilt in the place to use for their polar bear warmth?

Total Insanity

Is it the insanity season somewhere? A foolish couple actually were insane enough to get married at the hotel where the quilt show is being held! Right there in the lobby, not twenty feet from the elevator, where they were in clear view of Betsy Bear! How could someone be so nutty that they would fail to see the dangers of holding their nuptials in such a dangerous location? I just hope they didn't want any food tonight to celebrate their marriage.

Quilt Show Day 3

The chocolate donuts are gone, and I won't even mention what happened to all of the hotel honey packets. I just got an email from my rabbit sisters, too, and they have already made some purchases of lovely little fat quarters featuring broccoli and yellow squash. Goodness knows what they've got planned to do with those. The hotel pool forgot to install a feather filter too, so I'm expecting a giant breakdown there before they manage to send my penguin sisters home. As for me, I'm surviving jail, although my opinion on the literary abilities of my jailers is falling. Would you believe I've been given a clawacure? I don't think they've even bothered to read Killing Bridezilla.

Wedding Chapel in the Hills

There is a wedding chapel almost right next to the quilt show. Somehow, that doesn't seem like a good sign. How attached do you suppose most brides are to their fluffy, frosty cakes? I'm afraid Betsy packed a cake fork along with her honey spoon, and she knows how to use it.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Quilt Show Day 2

Donuts are missing again, jelly filled ones this time. You would think that hotel would have given up on serving those pastries by now, wouldn't you, or would have at least thought to check to make sure Betsy Bear wasn't a guest before putting them out! The bed turning is heading for disaster, too. The weather has taken a turn for the worse, you see, and it's very nippy up there. There were seventeen quilts piled on the bed for this morning's showing, and somehow, I doubt my sisters will be able to resist the temptation to burrow under them. Do you think the polar bear lumps could in any way harm the quilts?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Speaking of Cake

Speaking of cake, did you know that there are these human things called weddings at which huge amounts of cake are served? And this cake is frequently left unguarded, too. There are a ton of places up near the quilt show where these wedding things are held, and many of them are conveniently on Betsy's way to those other bears' dens. How bad of a crime do you suppose multiple counts of wedding cake theft will be?

Quilt Show Day 1

Today's the first day of the quilt show, and may I just say how happy I am that I'm in jail with an alibi, even if the jailers aren't as cooperative as they should be. I think some of them even fled early today, I can only hope to the bookstore to pick up Killing Bridezilla to learn what will happen to them should they fail to provide proper service. At least I'm not at the quilt show, though. Those foolish, foolish people hosting it had a reception tonight with lovely cake with a thick, creamy icing. Needless to say, large amounts of cake are missing at the moment. I think we can all safely guess who got it too.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Memo to Jailers

Dear Jailers, as much as I appreciate your giving me an alibi for my bear sister Betsy's upcoming crime spree, I feel there are a few ground rules that must be laid down at the start. I am a very busy cat and will require hourly internet access to check my email for updates on my real estate holdings and pending suit against one Nicholas Cat. Also, a phone line should be left open for my business calls at all times. My mother is managing my property for me while I'm away getting my alibi, and she might need to call with any tenant issues. Lastly, the words "fat" and "grumpy" were thrown about rather freely the last time I spent time with you. As I am neither fat not particularly grumpy when safely away from the scene of Betsy Bear's criminal activities, these words are highly offensive. I have a lawyer on retainer. Please remember this. Following these few simple things should make my stay with you much more pleasant for all concerned. Should you have any problems with these, please refer to page one of Killing Bridezills by Laura Levine
and the actions of Prozac the Cat. Page 220 might also be helpful to you, should the food service fall below par. I have an opposable thumb, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Girl Scouts

Well, the world's most foolish group is running loose right now. There are a batch of children who are roaming free, lagging large cartons full of cookies around for sell. And would you believe that these children don't seem to have enough sense to avoid this street and Betsy Bear like the plague? Do you suppose since they're acting so foolish and wandering near Betsy's dwelling, that they could be said to have almost brought their doom upon themselves? You don't even want to know what happened to the poor children who set up with cookies at the store yesterday. I believe one group was awfully near the local Sam's club, and the boast extra-large shopping carts. I think you can safely draw a conclusion as to what happened from that.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Teddy Shopping

Would you guys believe that some church had a sale of teddy sized clothing today, including numerous outfits in my pink obsessed sister Glinda Leopard's favorite shade and patterns? I'm sure you can guess what happened, especially when they had a half priced deal. Do you think the church has insurance to cover my siblings? About the only one not going after outfits was Betsy. She was raiding the church kitchen. Do you think they're likely to notice six boxes of missing cookies and that pot of hot dogs that vanished?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Another of Betsy's Victims

I found another of Betsy's victims that I thought you might like to see. Poor, poor bear. He had to stop off at a bird buffet on his way to try to hunt Betsy down because she had snitched all of his food.

Anyone want to place bets on how many bears will be showing up after this quilt show trying to get their snacks back? I think Betsy is planning to attend the sack making class to increase her stock of robbery tools.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Speaking of Betsy Bear

Oh, speaking of Betsy, would you believe that quilt show is going to offer classes in making bags? Can they be charged as Betsy's accessories if they teach her how to make the equipment of her burgling trade?

Bad Signs for Mountain Bears

Oh, this is a bad sign for those poor bears living up in the mountains. Betsy has been looking at a map of the area and sticking little flags all over it, marking the dwellings of various bears. I'm sure their alarm clocks won't go off until at least half past April, too, so they're all snug in their little beds, oblivious to the fact that Betsy is planning a burglary. Is there anything I can do to warn them of their impending doom or send a wake up call?

Here's one of Betsy's victims from last year.

Poor, poor bear woke to find his honey gone, and had to come to town to try to demand Betsy return it.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Just When you Thought it was Safe to go Back to the Quilt

You know, this quilt show has done something so spectacularly foolish, it's almost like they're begging Betsy Bear to get them! They're having a RECEPTION at the hotel on opening night with loads of goodies being served. Didn't they learn anything last year when that cart full of donuts vanished? All food should be eaten in rooms behind locked doors, with curtains pulled and a towel blocking the bottom of the door so Betsy can't catch the scent of food. And I shudder to think about the bed turning they have scheduled. For those who haven't seen one, basically, it's a bed piled high with quilts that are turned down several times a day and discussed for the pleasure of visiting quilters. Who wants to bet that they're going to find polar bears under there?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Quilt Show Part 4

The more I keep hearing from my siblings, the more I'm forced to conclude that this quilt show is DOOMED!! Last year my bunny sisters amused themselves hopping about everywhere, searching for carrot fabric for bunny quilts. Well, this year, they're discussing something in broccoli or possibly radish. Those poor, poor vendors. Isn't it bad enough that they're going to have our human there tormenting them, looking for stuff with that excessively pink person from that Wizard movie? Now they're going to have a herd of bunnies after them as well.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Etiquette Issue

Okay, on the up side for me, I think I might be going to jail instead of being forced to attend that quilt show, which means I will have an alibi for my siblings' antics. I do have a small issue, though. What's the proper etiquette for sending my jailer a copy of the first page of Killing Bridezilla by Laura Levine? I feel Prozac the Cat's actions there really will give the jailers the proper idea of what their fate will be should they not treat me properly. What's the etiquette for sending it to them, though?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Betsy Bear's Family Tree

Betsy Bear has been tracing her family tree lately, and if possible, it is even more frightening than the human's. That bear has traced her family back to some bear called Blackbear the Pirate! She's found some cousins too, Salvadore Bear over in Palermo, a big bear in the Mafia, and Vladimir and Irena Bearov, two members of the Russian mob. I won't even get into that picnic snitching fifth cousin of hers out in Jellystone. Have you ever heard of such an alarming group? Heaven help us if they ever decide to hold a family reunion!

W. Woodpecker

Does anyone here see anything wrong with the hole that I'm renting to my tenant, W. Woodpecker? It's a snug, insulated hole with thick walls as you can see in the picture, and highly superior to any tree around. Another cat I chat with is claiming it's a terrible hole, though, and is accusing me of being a slum landlord. I want to add, Mr. W. Woodpecker is very happy with the hole, and along with his rental, he has a pool pass for the summer months, and hopefully a birdbath will be going in soon to upgrade things. There's a lovely bird buffet just next door and he has an easy commute from his hole to his work as a pest control specialist. So, what's wrong with the property I'm renting? I think my cat friend just doesn't want to see me doing well in business. Goodness knows what he would say about the property I rented to those turkeys if I posted about it!