Memo to Jailers

Dear Jailers, as much as I appreciate your giving me an alibi for my bear sister Betsy's upcoming crime spree, I feel there are a few ground rules that must be laid down at the start. I am a very busy cat and will require hourly internet access to check my email for updates on my real estate holdings and pending suit against one Nicholas Cat. Also, a phone line should be left open for my business calls at all times. My mother is managing my property for me while I'm away getting my alibi, and she might need to call with any tenant issues. Lastly, the words "fat" and "grumpy" were thrown about rather freely the last time I spent time with you. As I am neither fat not particularly grumpy when safely away from the scene of Betsy Bear's criminal activities, these words are highly offensive. I have a lawyer on retainer. Please remember this. Following these few simple things should make my stay with you much more pleasant for all concerned. Should you have any problems with these, please refer to page one of Killing Bridezills by Laura Levine
and the actions of Prozac the Cat. Page 220 might also be helpful to you, should the food service fall below par. I have an opposable thumb, and I'm not afraid to use it.